I know that we chose to be parents, and I know that a lot of people WISH they could be parents and pray for it for a long time. Don't get me wrong, I have wanted to be a mom since I was a little girl, but this parenting stuff is HARD.
I guess we just have two kiddos in bad stages. At the same time.
Louise is teething and has acid reflux.
Cameron is almost 3 1/2.
Enough said, right?
Wine isn't cutting it anymore...I'm going to start taking shots of vodka when I walk through the door.
Most days are great. Or good enough. Or don't make me cry.
But some days, I let go of big fat tears, and I still don't feel better.
Monday night was the WORST night I've ever had parenting. Louise wouldn't stop crying from 5:00 - 7:00, and Cameron only wanted me. He was literally BEGGING me to sit next to him while he ate and watched his iPad. (Yes, the iPad was his babysitter that night while I tended to Louise and Chad took care of the house and dinner.) When Louise finally went to sleep, I crawled into bed with Cam (who was sleep) and just held his hand and talked to him. I felt so stupid, but I felt like I needed to. Maybe he had a good dream because of it? I can hope. I went to bed with baggy eyes from crying and SO MUCH GUILT.
Then yesterday, was an AMAZING day of parenting. Why the emotional roller coaster? Louise was HAPPY ALL. DAY. LONG. She napped and she ate, and she smiled. She hasn't smiled, unprompted, in so long! I got to cook dinner. Chad got to hang with Cam. We were the All-American family.
I know that Cameron is just being three and dying for attention. He only wants ME unless Chad is playing with Louise. Then he wants him. But mostly, he wants me. To put him to bed. To buckle his car seat. To get his dinner. I mean, I love it...he's my little man. But, it kills me sometimes! I wish I had a clone to be with each kid at the same time. Cameron's not listening, he's aggressive, and he does what he wants (for a hot second until he gets in trouble). It's HARD.
I want a pause button sometimes, to just put everyone down and stop. In the middle of it, it SUCKS. I don't like NOT enjoying being a mom. It rarely happens, and this has just been a crapshoot of a week, but when it does happen, I hate it. I hate feeling like I'm not giving Cameron enough attention. Or not knowing how to calm Louise down. Is it her teeth? Acid reflux? Gas? Is she overtired? Hungry? Sometimes, I feel like I'm not even her mom because I don't know what to do. Shouldn't my instincts kick in at some point?
And I feel like I am creating a monster with Cameron because he's not my obedient little boy anymore. He used to never leave my side in a store. He used to listen the first time. Lately, I feel like all I am doing is telling him to stop doing something or counting to three (when he still doesn't always come) because he's not coming to me or asking him ten times to put his sneakers on. I do know that he is highly distracted and he legitimately doesn't hear us if he is focused on something else. But there are definitely times when he purposely ignores us.
He is also crying and whining (what seems like) all the time. He doesn't want to get up. He doesn't want to go to school. He doesn't want me to leave his room when I drop him off. He doesn't want me to pick him up, at the end of the day. He doesn't want to eat dinner when it's time (then he's hungry at bed time). He doesn't want to go to bed. What gives??? I feel like it's spiraling out of control!
Thanks for listening. I know I am not alone in this, but sometimes, it does feel isolating.